I love to write down my thoughts but does anyone even read these types of blog posts? Well for those who do, here is what I want to say.
If ever you feel that I’m distant, don’t be offended, its just the way I am. I need to be alone most of the time and that’s ok. I never used to think it was ok, it’s very weird being different, but as I grew older and understood myself more, I realized that different is not necessarily bad. It took me a long while to find out what made me tick, and when I did, I didn’t run away from it, I owned it. Introversion isn’t shyness, it is merely the way some brains are wired, and instead of getting energy from other people, introverts search within to recharge their buttons.
Being a sensitive and a lone wolf child was no picnic. Even throughout my teen years and into early adulthood, the struggle was always there. While all my peers were busy making plans and socializing, I preferred to stay home with my random thoughts on the universe, my books, sketch pad, canvas and paint, old black and white movies, diary, classical music or my psychedelic rock.
You see, I never really needed company, I live a thousand lives in my head, I converse with myself, I find the answers in philosophy books. I could close myself in between four walls and watch TV and be involved in the characters’ lives, I could research topics of interest that would go on into the wee hours of the night.
As a kid I wasn’t that different, I would sit alone and write and illustrate novels. I would spend my entire summer reading books way beyond my years. One summer I read 100 books, I still dwell on those authors, their words, the words that shaped me. I still am a 5 year old at heart. I still do look in wonder as I see nature, the sky and stars.
I relish in my alone time, because without it I would go crazy, literally, insane. That being said, I am not a shy person, I speak my mind, I am not quiet, I can talk til eternity. What I do hate is small talk, I would take a long road instead of a shortcut if it means avoiding meaningless chitchat with someone I might bump in to. If we connect I can talk to you for hours and hide nothing. I have a tight circle of friends whom I love with every fiber of my being, who know and understand that when I’m angry I need my space, when I’m sad I cry, and when I’m in a bad mood I retire. Perhaps this is why I fluctuate and the way I am viewed by people who don’t know me as haughty, while in fact I’m not. That doesn’t mean I hate people, I do go out, frankly a lot. You can imagine how challenging attending events is for me, because again, small talk. But in spite of the efforts I make at being sociable, at the end of the day or week, I need my me time.
I am completely content with myself and I am truly at peace. For you see, this is my character, which I will not apologize for. This is my introversion. This is me.